I’m sitting here on the floor of my bedroom feeling a lot of things that are kind of hard to put into words. I’ve been staring at my computer screen looking for something to make me feel something. I haven’t written a blog in a while because sometimes I doubt the significance of my thoughts and my words. But in my searching for something to occupy my mind, I clicked onto the bookmark of my blog and wound up on the one called “Selah“.
If you didn’t already know, I have a tattoo on my left wrist that says Selah. In that post, I talk about why I got it and what it means. I quoted Annie F. Downs most recent book where she says,
“Selah is a word from the Bible. We aren’t totally sure what it means, but we know why it is used. Any time the writer of Psalms uses it, it signifies a time to pause and process, to think, to prepare for what is next. An empty space that has purpose.”
–Remeber God, Annie F. Downs
That’s kind of how I feel right now. I feel like life is still moving, but I’m kind of paused preparing for the “what’s next” part of my life. I know what’s next, so I’m just sitting here waiting on it. Overthinking about all the things that come with this big change.
I haven’t talked about it a ton yet, but I’m moving to Honduras early next year. I’m really excited because it’s something I’ve wanted for a long time. But now that it’s actually a reality and not just a crazy dream, it’s slightly overwhelming.
Let’s be real, I’m not getting any younger. Just trying to be perfectly ~transparent~ here. The plan I made for myself a long time ago had me having my first kid by 25, but God clearly has other plans. I’m not sad about that, but moving there means I’m not just saying I’m putting that in His hands but I actually have to do it. I like control. I don’t like surprises. But that’s something that’s going to be completely up to Him, which it should be anyway but it hasn’t been. I definitely am not moving there to find that, if anything it feels like I’m giving it up. And I know moving there doesn’t mean that can’t ever happen, but it means that I just really have to put it in His hands and wait. And that’s okay. But it’s definitely a fear I have.
I’m also extremely close to my family. We are one of those weird families that actually enjoy being around each other and we do so quite frequently. We celebrate everything in our family. Every birthday, every big thing, every small thing. And it’s going to be kind of hard not being there for those things.
I don’t want this to sound like a pity party at all, so please don’t take it that way. I am thrilled that I get to do this. But I think it’s important to be honest about stuff, especially in a world full of highlight reels. I’ve learned it’s okay to be afraid at times because fear gives you an opportunity to have courage. I’ve learned that it’s okay to doubt sometimes because doubting gives you an opportunity to have faith.
I don’t know that any of this makes sense or if it is for anyone other than future Katie sitting on her bedroom floor looking for some answers.
But if you feel like you’re in a season of preparing for what’s next, you’re not alone. You’re allowed to be afraid. You’re allowed to doubt. Just know that in the fear and the doubt, there is courage and faith to be found.
God is cool.